You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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