He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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