My girlfriend figured out who you are.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize