Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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