dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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