an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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