oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize