ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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