Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
