Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
