He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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