at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
