And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
