wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
