i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
