did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Michael Bay diarrhea
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The best revenge is premature balding
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
