Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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