you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
