do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
