my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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