Soap is not a condiment
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize