I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
