So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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