i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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