I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
