I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
