we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
