Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
