I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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