I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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