she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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