Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
