I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
