All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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