Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize