I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
