she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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