Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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