boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
