I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
