I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
