don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
