I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
