I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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