She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize