i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
