You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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