what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
