I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
