In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
