having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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