Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
