When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize