your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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