I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
