The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize