We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
